As if the burden of pretending I’m crushed about Shaq’s retirement isn’t enough, I’ve had that old Aaron Carter song stuck in my head for dayyysss.
The first comment under his video on YouTube is a total kick:
And I thought, if being “Carter Rolled” is the new thing, being ‘Cac rolled should be an even newer thing. And that’s how “That’s How I Beat Shaq” became “That’s How to be ‘Cac.” Which is why, my fellow ‘Cacizens, we put the G in #swag.
“Yo guys, check it out
Guess what happened to me
(Another crazy story, in the C-A-C)
I was hanging on the quad
Just tossin a ball
Working on my game
(Yeah, polo and all)
I heard the ladies screaming
I thought it was for me
But then I saw a guy
In a Princeton tee
It was the DI deal
(What? What did he say?)
(How ’bout some one-on-one, break out the croquet?)
I told him why not, I got some time
But when I beat you real bad
Try not to cry
(Please ‘Cac, are you for real?)
(One-on-one with DI’s a really big deal)
Yeah, a club lax player from the Princeton Tigers
(You must’ve been nervous)
I knew I could take him
Stared’ at his Madras just to freak him out
I said BFD, you’re in my house now
Swing your mallet when the whistle blows
Pay attention close ’cause the story goes…
[CHORUS]
It’s like boom (boom)
I put through the wicket
Like slam (slam)
I heard my bros screaming
out jam (jam)
I swear that I’m telling you the facts
Cuz that’s how to be ‘Cac
[X2]
So check it out
I thought I had the lead
But then he started scoring mad points on me
We were playing Golf style
He wasn’t missing a shot
I knew that there was a way that I could make it stop
I had a plan, that I could change the pace
I said, ‘Cac’s a superior intellectual race
He looked confused, I hit the ball
I’m taking him to school now, watch me all
Khaki chino swag, the best you ever met
Come on Tiger, had enough of ‘Cac yet?
Behind by two wickets, I’m catching up
I guess you’re getting nervous
Cuz you already lost
[CHORUS]
Hit after hit
Ball like a puck
The whole ‘Cac’s cheering
We’ll #nevergrowup
[X2]
His cronies were shocked
Couldn’t believe it was real
(I can’t believe the ‘Cac just stuffed a DI deal)
One more wicket, was all that remained
I tapped the ball like a keg
I put him to shame
I must admit that it sounds real crazy
but the ball went in
And I cried like a baby
#imnotsorry
I’m a sensitive man
You smell like Ivy
But we can still be friends
The fans went nuts
They put me on their shoulders
Then I heard a voice
It sounded like Arnold Palmer’s*
(Stop gloating fool, don’t take the bait!)
Arnold, can’t you see that I just won a game?
(How could you let croquet go to your head?)
(Success is standard when you’re NESCAC bred!)
Aw, man it was just another day
Winning #inthecac is child’s play
If it was standard fare, with no new appeal…
How’d I get a shirt that says “KINDA A BIG DEAL?”
Woah…
[CHORUS]”
*Arnold Palmer went to Wake Forest by accident. Nobody’s perfect.
I wish I had this much time on my hands…