The good, the corny, and the horny.
1. Bless you.
2. Last night at the lobster shack some preppy went apeshit and pulled a skeet rifle on the drive thru lady because she got his order wrong.
3. I heard he muggled some chick in a dark alley so they had to expelliarmus his Sirius Black ass.
4. That’s right folks, our weekly excessive punctuation party would not be the same without him.
5. And you got him the shorts, because shirtless biking is less embarassing than shortless biking for all involved,
7. I would like 2 chalupas, a soft taco, and probably another soft taco, and I want a boyfriend who will support me consuming all of that. Make it happen.
8. “That should teach Grant a lesson about breaking curfew, bet he’ll have to find a nice Crack House to bunk in for the night. Maybe even an Opium den.”
9. I hope you didn’t eat them all in one sitting…
10. So THAT’S who got the coveted Noggin internship. Eff you.
11. Just cuz I’m a #tampon doesn’t mean I wanna hear you’re #gay. #justsayin
12. You skipped a step.
13. I know. That’s why unless you find a way to taste like sour cream and ground dog meat I am leaving you for those chalupas I always speak so highly of.
14. There are questions you ask before you get the tat, and then there are questions you ask before you get the tat.