The incoming freshman class of 2015 has been captivated by such cultural phenomena as silly bandz, Twilight, and Justin Bieber.  They are corrupted pop slaves, bent to the Big-Brother-esque will of corporate CEOs by dance moves like the Bernie and songs like the Party Rock Anthem.  Be forewarned: these and other vices will be exhibited and celebrated in two short months (fuck where is summer going) at a prestigious ‘Cacademy near you.  

So Hear This, you untamed, filthy froshmeat.  Hear this and take notes. But don’t relax. And no tokes either.  Established henceforth is a set of simple rules regarding your behavior and performance in the coming academic year.  You can only be a freshman once, so don’t fucking blow it.  Most of these are easy to abide by – simple truths that when put into action will undoubtedly garner the respect and admiration of your upperclassmen.  The don’ts are also fairly straight forward, but since the admission standards at every ‘cac school have gone the route of Tiger Woods’ post-slayer golf game, it seems necessary that I elaborate.


– Make friends with upper classmen.  They party harder.  Also chances are good half your class will dip out during your junior year, so unless you’d rather talk to a blood-stained volleyball in two years, make some out-of-class friends.

– Hook up with upper classmen.  If you’re a guy and you get cougared, enjoy it but don’t gloat. If you’re female, do it, but be smart.  If you act like a slut, you’re a slut.  Sorry

– Your work.  Your parents busted their balls so you could go to a ‘Cac school.  Hold up your end of the bargain. It has to get done even if it isn’t perfect.

– Join shit.  Even if you think people will judge you.  Join everything.  If you don’t like it, it’s easy to send a simple impersonal email to the club head severing all ties.

– Meet people.  If you’re around someone you don’t know, go up and introduce yourself.  Ask them where they’re living, where they’re from.  They’re in the same boat you are, and plus when you run into them hammered later, you’ll have a good convo starter.  

– Make a bucket list.  It’s easy to slip into a routine towards the middle or end of your freshman year, so having things to do that are out of the ordinary can always help.

– Talk to your professors, in and out of class.  More on the in-class later but get to know them.  They’re way cooler than your high school teachers, and smarter too.  Plus they can hook you up with cool stuff down the line (intern shits, lax deadlines, etc.).


– Friend everyone in the incoming student group.  It happens. People don’t forget (1:25) that kid.

– Talk about how much you drink/how much you drank in high school or this summer/how much you smoke/how sick you are at ruit/pong.

– Talk about other schools you applied to or got into.  Being smarter than all your friends is only cool in the Ivies.

– Talk about money. Just don’t. Classless.

– Brag about Greek Life like you own it, or brag about your big brother or sister who went here four years ago, and owned it.  Kid was sick at college

– Ask for alcohol at parties. Bring your own.  Plus if you talk to people, chances are good someone will offer you a drink. naptown homies cooked up a drink called the hulk.  1 gallon green hawaiian punch, 4 Monsters, 2 5-Hour Energy, and a handle of Bacardi white rum.  later  

– Be the drunkest kid.  This is somewhat inevitable, but if you can always make sure there’s someone drunker than you wherever you are, it’s okay to keep drinking.  If you do end up being that guy or that girl, you’re not allowed to be proud of it the next day until you’re a sophomore.

– Complain about your classes or workload or finals. Your friends don’t care. Strangers don’t care.  If upperclassmen hear you, they’ll hate you, because they’re working harder.  Find something more interesting to talk about.

Post Script: If you decide to go to college with a significant other, be aware of what you’re doing to yourself.  I’m in no position to tell you that you and your high school sweetheart aren’t going to work out.  With that said, girls with boyfriends their freshman year suck.  It is way harder to motivate to go out and meet people when you know you’ve got the ace in your back pocket, waiting for you when you go home for fall break or Thanksgiving.

now that I’ve waded through all that buuuush, heres chay to start your weekend.

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