“You think you fresh, shit, I’m ripe.”
If you go to school in the New England Small College Athletic Conference, you have a moral obligation to look like the (wo)man all the time, but especially in June, July, and August. The possibility of meeting new people is exponentially higher in the summer than in sweatpants season (read: the entire school year in New England), thus it is vital that you frequently look your casual best during the warm months.
There are a few distinct schools of thought when it comes to swag in the ‘Cac. There’s Bates/Maine swag, which is basically try to look as much like Paul Bunyan as possible.
There are also a great deal of hipsters in the NESCAC. I cannot at this time personally address countercultural or hipster attitudes regarding personal attire, because I am prone to rage blackouts and violent seizing when I do. If you choose to hipster, do it sort of…over there. Where I can’t see you. Because if I do, and it’s after 8 pm, chances are good my friends and I will be sauced and chances are good we’ll yell at you.
There’s also the New Boy look. I coined the term New Boy to help describe this because it doesn’t really fall into the category of hipster, and it’s definitely not preppy or bro. New Boy is snapbacks, flannels buttoned to the top, g-shock watches, and skateboard shoes. This sort of flows into the skater/surfer category as well, but basically just think Wiz Khalifa and Mac Miller.
If you fall into any of the aforementioned categories, you may not wish to subscribe to the church wisdom I’m about to drop. But let me let you in on a little secret: prep/bro swag is the shit that might impress cute girls. It might not. But that’s maybe half the battle. Moms, my ‘Cacian brothers, fucking love this shit. There’s nothing more satisfying than seeing a cute girl walking with her hot mom, and watching her mom check you out before she does. #canihaveboth
I should also probably explain that my personal taste is mostly preppy, but that I also dabble fairly heavily in California swag and surf shit. With that said, and links for purchasing provided at the bottom, here’s a free lesson.
- Patagonia Trucker, khaki. In fact yes, I did hear that trucker hats are no longer cool. However I also heard that I was in Marblehead visiting my buddy from school and he had recently procured this winner. Not only is it made of high quality material, but the khaki looks sweet and the mesh in back keeps your dome cool and dry. The ‘Gonia logo is pure class as well.
- G-Shock Watch, Purple. I am aware of the fact that I lumped G-Shocks in with New Boy swag, but the reality of the situation is that this watch is too legit. It’s frustrating when people who suck wear cool stuff, but this is one thing that anyone could put on and immediately become exponentially better looking and fun to hang out with.
- Greg Norman Sun Hat. The Shark. If you’re like me and you remember the days when a savvy middle-aged Australian by the name of Greg Norman held the title of golf’s biggest bro (John Daly withstanding), then you’ll surely remember this hat. I included this as an alternative to the ‘Gonia hat because that one is probably too National Geographic for one half of ‘Cacians, and this one is probably too Martha’s Vineyard for the other half. Respect to anyone wearing either, swag on swag.
- Harpoon, Costa Del Mar. Ravens croakies. In case you haven’t noticed, the only people you see wearing Costas are fucking studs. If you are engaging in any waterborne activity such as fishing, sailing, or drinking on the beach looking like you could do either of those things at any moment, these are fairly necessary. The sun never sets on a stunna. Ravens croakies because your friends will ask you in February when they drop their sunglasses just how you knew to buy croaks in July that matched up with the Super Bowl Champion the next February and call you psychic and pay you in
- Engagement Tee, White. Paradigm Wear is an up-and-coming brand of swagged out attire whose co-founder I was friends with in high school in Baltimore. They have been putting out some sick designs lately, and I want to support them not only because their gear is dope but also because they have an awesome mission and good business savvy. I linked the shirt design to the site so you can see some more of their stuff, but definitely keep your ear to the streets for these guys.
- Coral Water Shorts, Southern Tide. Don’t sleep on Sou Tide. Copped some of their new gear recently and it’s all very well made, high-end stuff. The brand itself is pretty preppy, but it’s all tasteful as well. These water shorts feature a water-resistant pocket (see: Liquid Flow) which makes them ideal for beach chay or post-beach-dinner-in-town-chay.
- Four-Eyelet Canvas Boat Shoe, Impulse. Picked up a pair of these at the end of the school year. Go sock-less if you’re wearing them with shorts, but oh wait they also look sick with pants. Moms dig these.
- In conclusion, if you wear any of these things you have something going for you. If at any time you manage to wear all of them at once, chances are good you’ll spend most of your day trying to explain to your friends why their moms suddenly want your number. If being the sickest kid at the party or the best looking kid on main street doesn’t appeal to you, then yeah neglect the shit out of this post. Otherwise, swag on rooftops. It was a mom day.. I guess.
BOOM. ROASTED. ITS RAININ SIDEWAYS FTW