Let’s play two truths and two lies. Don’t blow it.
Syracuse to the ACC. Keene State to the NESCAC. Texas A&M to the SEC. I’ve worn cargo shorts.
With with the recent shuffling of conferences in the NCAA, I’ve been fielding a lot of questions from fellow Camels and from across the ‘Cac regarding the stability of our prestigious Small Conference. According to ‘Cac HQ in Hadley, Mass., Cornell and Coast Guard have been knocking on the door, and it’s sounding like the Maine Triumvirate are calling for secession. With all this shuffling going on, I thought it might be a good time to send a call out to The Best of the Rest, or the top 11 schools who could be ‘Cac but, alas, are not, and will never be. Criteria for these decisions was limited to irrational and illegitimate word-of-mouth claims, perceived academic prestige, and the fact that we’re not letting in any fucking Ivies. Oh, and the whole N.E. aspect was totally disregarded as well.
Without further ado, The Best of the Rest.
1. St. Mary’s College of Maryland
Small, prestigious, liberal arts, sailing, water, old college town, chill. A couple of my buddies went here for lax and it sounds like an easy ‘Cac transplant (l8r hamilton). Plus oh wait the logo is a fucking naval armada.
2. Washington and Lee University
The New England prep scene at many ‘Cacademies gels comfortably with the Southern swagger showcased at Washington and Lee. W&L, in addition to holding court as one of the most prestigious liberal arts schools south of the Mason-Dixon line, is also comparable to TrinColl in the terms of housing dank frats and copious smokeshows. This is probably the only empty glass you’ll see if you’re lucky enough to visit.
3. Colorado College
Move over Bates. CC’s student body is extremely outdoorsy, active, and very smart. Their Block Program (take only one class for 3 weeks, exam, then on to the next) sounds like something straight out of the ‘Cac. Plus, check out that arena. For a small school (2,040), that is an unreal venue. Come ‘Cac, CC.
4. William and Mary University
Although “The Tribe” is one of the more badass team names in the NCAA (snapback inbound), they were not clever enough to come up with this legendary logo. Home to about 5,800 undergrads, W&M is one of the best public universities in the country. I’m leaning a little heavy into Virginia as you’ll see, but W&M is the second oldest institute of higher education in the country after Harvard, so I thought they deserved a spot in the pseudo-‘Cac.
5. Elon University
What’s that? Ohh, you all like to get dressed up in ridiculously preppy gear and tailgate football games? Yeah. You’re good. Drinks on the house. I wonder if they know that that alien is photobombing their sorostitute team picture.
6. Hampden-Sydney College
So Hampden-Sydney is all men; one of the few left in the country. Though this seems inherently against all things ‘Cac since we all get laid on the reg, one quick read down that there sign will set you straight. For the laziest among you, I’ll run it down: Two early Patriots were trustees, President W.H.Harrison went here, and student groups from the college FOUGHT in the AMERICAN REVOLUTION. What has your club done lately? Female counterpart to come shortly.
7. Providence College
Don’t let the picture fool you, PC girls are hot. Providence weaseled its way onto this list using a number of seedy tactics, first of which being that it is a sick campus and a good school in a shithole of a neighborhood. Anyone who ‘Cacs outside of Brunswick or wherever the hell Midd is knows that it is almost a requirement of a ‘Cac school to be surrounded by a total dump. Also, I was convinced that PC was a guido stronghold and nervous that my girlfriend there would be converted, but upon visiting last weekend, I have since determined that PC is ‘Caced out, prepped out, and virtually guido-free.
8. Reed College
No, this wasn’t taken at Colby. Though many of you may not have heard of Reed College in Portland, Oregon, it is as ‘Cac as they come. Reed is known for its “alternative” academic curriculum and its adherence to “the life of the mind”. In addition to boasting a strong liberal arts program, Reed’s first president was W. T. Foster, a former professor at Bates and Bowdoin. Boom. Roasted.
9. Wellesley College
aaAHHAahhaaH AHahAHAHAHaahaaHAHaaHAHAHAHah this picture kills me. What a gem. Welcome to the Fake ‘Cac, Wellesley.
10. Claremont McKenna College
Shout to the West Coast. I actually applied ED to Claremont, was differed, and eventually rejected. So you all get to read me build it up to make myself sound like less of a moron. Baus campus, hour and a half to the mountains, hour and a half to the beach. They actually have a day in February where everyone heads up into the San Gabriels in the morning, then drives to the beach to surf in the late afternoon and evening. Kids here rage all the time because the weather is perfect, all the time. Plus they’re all future world leaders. Dammit. Dammit. What am I doing here?
11. Swarthmore College
When I visited Swarthmore my senior year of high school, the tour guide actually TOLD me that the student body had a serious problem with hard alcohol. I thought to myself in that moment, do I belong here?? Then after that, I thought to myself, no, if I was bent up on Dubra, there’s no way I’d survive a run up OR down those stairs. And there’s also no way I’d be able to resist the temptation. Amazing forethought for such an otherwise immature brain.
In conclusion (disclaimer…), I omitted a lot of otherwise qualified New England Small Colleges, but that’s boring. Springfield, Wheaton, and Vassar were all more than qualified, but also more than boring. Stretching the geographical boundaries will hopefully yield some controversy. Bring it. OH and by the way…
HAPPPY BIRTHDAY WEEEZY