but I’m just too proud of this not to persist until it goes viral. Sorry Allen, sorry Mom and Dad. Sorry America?…nah.
“NESCAC” by Ballin’ Sinsberg
NESCAC I’ve given you all and now I’m nothing.
NESCAC 54,000 every year
I can’t pay my own tuition.
NESCAC when will we end the financial aid wars?
FAFSA is a weapon of mind destruction.
I’m hung-over don’t bother me.
I won’t donate until I’m out of debt.
NESCAC when will you serve In- n- Out burgers in the dining hall?
When will you take off your clothes?
When will you look at yourself and realize you’re not fat
When will you be worthy of your state of the art ellipticals?
NESCAC why are your libraries full of tears?
NESCAC why are girls selling their eggs
I’m sick of your insane demands.
When can I go into the textbook center and buy what I
need with my good looks?
NESCAC after all it is you and I who are perfect not
the Ivy League.
Your lack of grade inflation is too much for me.
You made me want to be Chris McCandless.
There must be some other way to settle this argument.
Everybody goes abroad to Copenhagen and doesn’t want to come back it’s sinister.
Are you being sinister or is this some form of practical
I’m trying to cum to the point.
I refuse to give up my obsession.
NESCAC stop pushing I know what I’m doing.
NESCAC your Newsweek rankings are falling.
I haven’t done my reading for months, every day
I go on Facebook for 3 hours.
NESCAC I feel sentimental about Arthur.
NESCAC I used to be ugly when I was a kid
#I’m not sorry.
I smoke marijuana every chance I get.
I sit in my dorm room for days on end and stare at the plastic bag over the fire alarm.
When I go to the Pub I get drunk and never get laid.
My mind is made up there’s going to be trouble.
You should have seen me reading Tucker Max.
My absentee father thinks I’m perfectly right.
I won’t say hello to the guys I’ve hooked up with.
I have mystical visions and cosmic vibrations.
NESCAC I still haven’t told you what you did to that international student after he came over from Russia. I’m addressing you.
Are you going to let your social life be run by
the hockey team?
I’m obsessed with the hockey team.
I roster stalk them every week.
They stare at me every time I slink past their corner
in the dining hall.
I read Cosmo in the basement of the campus library.
It’s always telling me about the scrunchie trick. Preppies are serious. Economics majors are serious.
Everybody’s serious but me.
It occurs to me that I am NESCAC.
I am talking to myself again. DJ Hessler is playing against me.
I haven’t got a freshman girl’s chance in a corn maze.
I’d better consider my endowments.
My endowments consist of two joints of
marijuana below- average genitals an unpublishable
diary of poetry that I hide under my pillow and a referral to the counseling center.
I say nothing about my tattoo nor the millions of
ants who live under my mini fridge
in the pools of a dozen leaking pints of gelato.
I have demolished the laxtitutes of Bates, Colby
is the next to go.
My ambition is to be President despite the fact that
I’m only here to play sports.
NESCAC how can I write a holy litany when I’m in the mood?
I will continue like Henry Ford my flat brims are as
individual as his automobiles more so they’re
all different teams.
NESCAC I will sell you four years of my life if you promise to stop taking my self- esteem
NESCAC bring back 2Pac
NESCAC stop Global Warming
NESCAC Knut must not die
NESCAC I am secretly a Republican.
NESCAC when I was 19 Momma took me to the Rally to Restore Sanity They sold us hotdogs and overpriced pins
and the speeches were free everybody was high and
sentimental about the election of ‘08 it was all so sin-
cere you have no idea what a good thing the
party was in 2008 John Edwards was a grand old man
a real cougar’s choice his haircut made me hard.
Once I saw Israel and Palestine agree,
Everybody must have seen that video about the Israeli- Palestinian conflict muffins.
NESCAC you don’t really follow the war.
NESCAC it’s them bad state school kids.
Them state school kids, them state school kids and them teenage mothers.
And them community college students.
Slamherst wants to eat us alive. The Zoo is power
mad. It wants to take our BMW’s from out our
5 car garages It wants to grab our Quinoa salad.
It needs to taste GDI blood.
It thinks we all have trust funds.
That our big bureaucracy is running everybody’s fillingstations.
That only half true. Ugh.
Skidmore no learn read. Skidmore have no hot chicks.
Hah. Skid make us look good.
Help. NESCAC this is quite serious.
NESCAC this is the impression I get from reading College Prowler.
NESCAC is this correct?
I’d better get a bigger salary that Steve Jobs.
It’s true I don’t want to join the Army or turn lathes
in precision parts factories, I’m nearsighted and
sociopathic anyway. NESCAC I’m flaccid 50% of the time. NESCAC I went to public school.
NESCAC I’m pressing replay on Wagonwheel.
Now your turn.