The first sign that the upcoming Homecoming Weekend 2011 was going to be legendary was the removal of The Tent from the infamous Tent Dance. Some prescient administrator picked up on the potentially lethal combination of campus-wide semi-formal attire, hundreds of drunk alumni (first hit on google images for “hammered alumni” [safe search off]), a giant white tent with sides, beats from DJ E@ZY (Conn ’11), and copious alcohol, and acted against the imminent, inevitable, and inhumane culmination of all of these majestic pieces by pulling the tent from this equation. Before you Camels pup ya pants, you should know that this weekend (esp. Saturday night) is still gonna be unreal. I proved it using differential equations and multivariable calculus. This is for the old Midd heads dumping on Conn for being the youngest school in the ‘Cac. Maths time. Point system patent pending.
[ semiformal (SF) + hammered alumni (HA) + DJ E@ZY (EZ) + Conn’s 100th Birthday (100) — Tent (T) ] x EdwardAndreHands (EAH)
ALL divided by Hospital Transports (HT) x Walks of Shame (WS)
soooo : ([SF + HA + EZ + 100 – T] x EAH) / (HT x WS) = SI (Sick Index™)
Semiformal. 460 points, easy. The nicer you look, the drunker you’re supposed to get.
Hammered Alumni. 65 points. “ENJOOYIY IT WHIIIILE IT LAAASSTSSSTSS” is only cool and nostalgic the first twelve times you hear it.
DJ E@ZY. 283 points. For any of you lucky enough to have attended a Cro Dance at Conn in the past four years, you probably got to see EZ doing Work. This will be his first appearance back at Conn since his graduation in the spring.
Tent. -150 points. Balls.
Edward Andre Hands. 97 points. There’s some flexibility here in terms of game choice, but point values correspond to creativity and “effectiveness”.
Hospital Transports. 10 points. The line in Vegas is +14 but I’m betting 20 on the over-under.
Walks of Shame. 60 points. There is some leeway here but extra points go to girls who try to put their heels back on for the morning
stumble walk home.
122.5433333. EPIC sick index. That’s a Flacco-esque QB rating. Or a really fucking hot day. 122.543333 is just a badass number in general. You thought I was done. oh uh yeah hang on no big deal but theres gonna be fucking FIREWORKS I dont know how much clearer I can be about this. Has there ever been a better reason to get drunk? I left Fireworks out of the above equation because it would have created an irrational number. The schedule of events for the weekend is 9 pages long and features acapella concerts, Harvest Fest, presentations, bagpipes…, and picnics. Mens’ Soccer against Coast Guard. There’s gonna be a horse. There’s gonna be an asslot of seminars, and a big band concert. We got Centennial Teas. Not Tees, Teas.
Connecticut College is turning 100. We’re not going to not go fucking ham. AAaaaAaanananannnndddddd Fireworks. AaaAAananannnddd Fireworks.
p.s. we got some love from the ConnColl Voice this week. I ❤ haters