our beloved NQR tradition has officially been slaughtered, thrust to the ground with one single last blow as alcohol seeps from it
to quote from the Daily:
“Dean of Student Affairs Bruce Reitman sent an email to students and their families yesterday explaining that any student who participates in the Naked Quad Run (NQR) this year will face suspension for the spring 2012 semester.”
so now that that’s over and done with (make sure your parents got the “safe” email!), Barry Krakow (firstname.lastname@example.org) had some remarks to make about it, because everyone knows how well middle aged bureaucracy responds to sarcasm:
Dear Tufts Students,
I am writing to inform you of a new threat to the safety of our ideal
and chaste campus. It has come to my attention, and the attention of
the Board of Trustees, that certain groups of students are
participating in daily or near-daily activities that they refer to as
These “showers” involve students stripping fully naked and pouring
water over themselves while standing on slippery tiles, often at early
hours of the morning or late hours of the night. On weekends,
students are often intoxicated or hung-over, posing an even greater
personal risk. A particularly malicious form of shower is the
“couple’s shower,” in which, in violation of social mores and
University protocols, students shower together.
The Super-Secret Student/Faculty Committee on Un-Tuftsy Activities, in
cooperation with the Permanent Subcommittee on Things That Would Make
Jumbo Cry, has agreed to consider including a ban of the “shower” in
the student Code of Conduct for the School of Arts, Sciences and
Engineering, the Graduate School of Arts and Sciences, and the School
of Arts and Crafts. If passed, the Code would state that any student
caught showering or suspected of showering will face a one-semester
disciplinary suspension from Tufts. We recommend the purchase of
hooded, waterproof jackets, as it is up to the discretion of the
administration how much rain counts as a shower, weathermen be damned.
I am asking for your cooperation and good judgment. Showering is not
worth any of you jeopardizing your academic record at the University.
The possible risks of showering far outweigh the benefits. Reports
have shown a positive correlation between Sexually Transmitted
Infections, general cleanliness, and showers (especially couple’s
showers). University administrators, faculty, and public safety
officials worry more about student safety related to this activity
than anything else. Students may express disgust at the smell of
their classmates, but I assure you: you’ll get used to it.
The TCU Meteorological Committee reports that it may snow during the
exciting and storied Tufts tradition of WinterFest. Natural
precipitation during WinterFest is not meant to replace showering, and
it will be subject to the restrictions on total body hydration.
We know some students may wonder if the University is serious about
enforcing the decision of the Committees. We are. Showering is a
threat to society, and we will try to help lead you away from
temptation by arresting and suspending you so that you avoid the
permanent record that results from arrest and suspension. Yes, you
read that correctly.
Deputy Dean of Student Affairs, and Co-Chair, Permanent Subcommittee
on Things That Would Make Jumbo Cry
BEWARE OF THE SHOWERS. let’s not lose any Tufts students to the showers.
that being said, you can totes run ANYWAY at these events that are a bit altered but still sound AWESOME, and hopefully you won’t get suspended: