Ornaments, all types


The holiday season is upon us, and for those of us observing Christmas #inthecac that can only mean one thing: tree. Trees are like people: balding, unfortunately landscaped, covered in needles, or really really fake.

I’ve been in classy households where they have the glass balls and tinsel and those trees are all fine and good if you want to look like you knocked out everyone at an Eddie Bauer holiday shoot and stole their tree…

In my house, however, an inability to keep our tree erect for long periods of time has dictated a tree saturated with things even a hobos cat wouldn’t play with.

They fall into a few general categories:

#1 Credential builders

Even though one can only wear it on special occasions, it is still important that one own a fanny pack. Similarly, a polyester dinosaur decked out in the hues 1995, 1998, and 1989 respectively should be hung at belly button level as an unspoken club membership card. Club “Club” that is.

#2 The Rebecca Black

A rubber band, tissues, cotton balls, and some tape does not an ornament make. Thinks it’s hanging with the other ornaments, but really they’re all just laughing at it.

#3 The ornament that outlived the hamster

I can’t, it’s still a sensitive issue.

#4 Crack

Crack is wack, hang it in the back. Preschool playdough, gorilla glue…everything gold must fade. #thishand

#5 Pedo ornament

Hang out of reach of children.


#7 Mascot ornament

My tree is ‘Cac-ed from trunk to tip and yours should be too. Deck the halls with boughs of Bantam. Throw a beard on Jeffrey. Slap a bow on that hump and ring me a Jumbell.

#8 Hard partiers

In all fairness, there is a lot of crossover with another category I didn’t list here: the “Object on a String.” Some “ornaments” are just too damn heavy. If you can’t hang it within two feet of the ground without it touching the ground, it’s not an ornament it’s an object…on a string.

Anyway I’m sososo cited for Christmas! Speaking of lost innocence, here’s a video to kickoff the holiday countdown:

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