So I begin what I assume will be my wildly successful and critically acclaimed inthecac blogging career with what is, in my very professional opinion, pure internet gold.
As if TLC hasn’t disgraced their original network name already (The Learning Channel? Really? Just off the top of my head… Toddlers and Tiaras, Freaky Eaters, Heliloggers, Little Chocolatiers,
17, 18, 19 Kids and Counting, and My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding. What ever happened to the good old days of Trading Spaces? I digress…), the 21 second sneak peak of Virgin Diaries is the best thing to hit the internet since cats. A hefty statement, I know, but I’ll let you judge for yourself…
I… It’s just… They… I’m so sorry, dear readers, but I think that for the first time in almost 21 years I am totally speechless. Everything about this clip is entirely overwhelming. I guess I’ll have to just break it down in order to fully digest it. Bear with me, here.
It starts off cute enough… A little eskimo kiss, oh that’s nice. I mean, a little weird but who am I to judge, right? And then it hits you like ten million monarchs to the eyeball. The weirdest fucking butterfly kiss I have ever seen. Why are they doing it to each others’ eyeballs? Why are they doing it at all? If they’re saving their first kiss for marriage then aren’t they breaking the rules here with a butterfly kiss? What are they, racist against butterflies?
Next, TLC claims that they are waiting “for the one.” Ok, I’m going to call bullshit right here and now. You don’t buy a car without test driving it. You shouldn’t get married without at least attempting to see if you have any sexual chemistry… Think about what could happen if you don’t experiment a tiny (or a huge) bit before getting to the altar! Next thing you know, the priest is pronouncing you man and wife and you go in for a kiss and…
Oh, dear god. And with shows that feature Mormons and Baptists and the dangers of not knowing you’re pregnant along with the joys of having multiple multiples (as long as you’re married), I thought TLC was promoting abstinence.
Well, holy fuck in heaven was I wrong. This preview is, like, EXACTLY why celibacy doesn’t work. Can you imagine what that first blowjob is going to be like? She’s going to skin his wiener like a damn carrot! Even the father of the bride can’t control himself. These two look like starved infants trying to find a nipple in each others’ mouths… I think maybe the best part is right after their first kiss, when the dude is hugging her and you can see the expression on his face is just absolutely 100% pure agony. “Kissing is fucking awesome!” he thinks to himself, “All the wasted years of practicing on my pillow and inner-elbow nook in no way prepared me for this! I can’t wait to have sex for 12 or so seconds tonight! And then spend the rest of my life with this woman who seems to enjoy the taste of my uvula…”
A lot of people are trying to argue that this entire thing is set up, but come on! Do you have no heart? Look at this video… They’re just so beautiful together! You can’t fake a love like that… I think the amount of times I’ve vomited in my mouth just seeing this video is enough to do years of acid erosion, and I’ve seen the ads! I need Pronamel, like, yesterday.
Also, I don’t know exactly what it is about this clip, but I want to go out and be very promiscuous right-freaking-now.
I’ll leave you all with a little (classic) taste of what the wedding night probably will shape in to… Maybe these people will someday get a job on The Office.